About the time I feel like I am not so overwhelmed with anger something happens. Well, today it was doing things that we had been putting off. Martin’s truck…

We had been doing good keeping the battery from going dead. Today with the pollen running high, the truck just looked bad. It was time that do we show Martin’s truck some love. Not over the top care that he did on the weekly. There are some things that are just almost unthinkable. Anything with that truck is one of those. My brother-in-law Jeff has really helped us out with keeping the truck from freezing during the cold times and every other time. Martin wanted to sell the truck in September but I thought that was a little drastic because I had hope. Maybe he knew better? Either way, really wished I would have listened and just done it.

The kids are having a hard time letting it go, so they have done a good job trying to keep it in working order. Today I decided that I was going to drive it just to make sure there were no major things going on with it. Payton and I drove it around the neighborhood a good 5-10 mins. Martin would be proud that it ran well and sounded good. The flow masters or whatever it is on there still have the rumble that he loved. When we pulled back into the driveway, we started cleaning out the compartments. He saved almost every receipt and business card he ever got. I was hoping that we could have found a note or something that would have meant something. There were no sweet hidden notes, just the smell of his truck and him. And let’s not forget the anger, yup, it quickly took over.

You know how parents are about their kids, you can say anything and everything you want about me but you don’t mess with my kids. My poor kids hurt, their dad is gone. These big companies not only killed Martin, but they also hurt my kids. The thought of Martin being this dark figure and without form, like displayed in this photo below makes me nauseous. I know all of us here is a distant memory to him but I just hope all the pain he experienced, in the end, is too. Even though I don’t think we here will ever forget the sounds of his pain. He was so brave.

The fact that he is gone is just everywhere, and that is alright. This is just something that has to be done. It’s just part of the “process.” I remember telling my sister last year, “I just want to go to sleep for 6 months.” Glad I didn’t. Martin dying was just not what I was thinking would happen.

You Don’t Just Lose Someone Once,

by Donna Ashworth

You lose them over and over,
sometimes many times a day.
When the loss, momentarily forgotten,
creeps up
and attacks you from behind.
Fresh waves of grief as the realization hits home,
they are gone.
Again.
You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn,
and as you awaken,
so does your memory,
so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart,
they are gone.
Again.
Losing someone is a journey,
not a one-off.
There is no end to the loss,
there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat,
when it washes over.
Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea,
they have a journey ahead of them,
and a daily shock to the system each time they realize,
they are gone,
Again.
You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every day,
for a lifetime.